Christmas Truths

Christmas...Truths of a Four Year Old...and General Musings

Christmas

Another year has come and gone. All of the anticipation, waiting, never-ending activities...all done! This was probably the best Christmas so far with LitlBit. She is a whopping four now

and was all about the holidays this go around! Santa became a tad more real for her this year. We had an elf come to our house after Thanksgiving. His name is Diego. My boss laughed at me...me the international studies person has a multi-cultural elf! The elf somehow became more important than Santa in some respects. I think it is all because Diego was...fun! He did funny things. We did not say he was mischievious though. Have a problem with saying the elf doing naughty things is ok. So, instead he was new to his elf magic and was also a new helper elf. So, he would sometimes get confused with his magic. Thus, that is why he decorated LitlBit's tree with her panties!

He really scored points when LitlBit's "movie maker" broke. Well, that thing is a must in morning/afternoon traffic! We would both go crazy! Santa had already "gotten" one on Black Friday ($45 an awesome deal!). So, when hers died on the way to school...we came home to ask the elf to talk to Santa to see if she could have another and if so if the elf could bring it early in one of his nightly Santa visits. The answer was...of course! Sanity prevailed! So, between funny things and trinkets/treasures the elf was a HUGE hit in this house! She cannot wait for him to come back next year!

All good things must come to an end though. Christmas is no different. The holiday is now officially in the past. The anticipation and the excitement of Christmas morning is now to be built up for next year. Over this Christmas I thought alot about my granddad. He died the week of Christmas in 2003. There could not have been a worse time for him to go. I was very close to Papa too. Not having a "dad" around meant that he was my version of dad. So, losing him hurt not only because a grandparent left...but more so because my dad had left. He was the one who was there for me. He was the one who taught me right from wrong and to always hold your head up high. Most importantly though he was there. So, that Christmas that he wasn't was hard...still is today. Add to today my lively family drama as well. The person who never was there I am attempting to make some sort of connection with. One Christmas I lose this Christmas I try to gain. Talk about confusing! Forgiveness is not exactly easy! I really wish Papa was still here to talk to about it all. He would give me the straight up non-adulterated words I so need to hear! I try and try and try to forgive. If only amnesia would strike me...it would be so much easier! How do you "get to know" a person you should have known from the moment you took your first breath? How do you connect to a person who has done you so very wrong? How do you forgive the absolute unforgivable? People keep telling me to forget the past...move on...deal...get to know him...my heavens I do believe I am trying. In all honesty I do feel as though I am being a big person about the whole thing. I would think that abandonment falls right up there as maybe the 11th commandment that God forgot about! I just have no clue where to go. We have talked on the phone. He called the other day explaining how he wanted to get together during the holidays but he had a death in the family. Understandable. Completely understandable. I guess I just hope for pixie dust to fall or something. Me magically to feel at ease and be able to finally say the word "dad" without cringing! Him to say this is my other daughter and granddaughter. Now, the latter I do believe he would. That is, if we are all together in a crowded room and there is not an option! Some days I wish that I could be as truthful and innocent in mind as LitlBit. At age four she is naive to the drama of the world. Her little innocent world is just that...innocent. She has her mommy and daddy (and of course dog and cat!). To her, all is right in the world. She has not a thought of dishonesty, betrayal, or a broken heart. She speaks the truth when asked without fear of the consequences (well...usually...unless the timeout chair is in question!). What she feels/thinks she speaks. If your breath stinks to high heaven she tells you! She does not fear the truth. I wish I were once again that naive girl. Forgiveness was easy then. It is much harder now. Problem is that I feel as though in all respects I am the only one who has any issues. He does not it appears. Doubtful if anyone else even has been told the truth yet. My half-sister does know...but primarily because I told her. So, in the end, I am running around the world trying to pick up the pieces to something that should never have been broken in the first place! I am trying trying trying to forgive, understand and develop a relationship with people in a situation that I do not understand. Am I going about it all the right way...the wrong way...add this...subtract that...I am just trying my best to make it all work. My mother-in-law always says that God gives you no more than you can handle. I suppose this is true. I apparently can handle it all...maybe not with grace at all junctures...but handle just the same. I have sad moments. But, I also have happy ones. Getting a phone call out of the blue from my father makes me happy. I must admit that. Even though there is an ugly past...getting that call makes me happy because I know for a fact he thought about me. That is something I wondered my whole life. I am going to keep on truckin' I suppose! Since there is not a guidebook on how to meet your long-lost family I am making it up as I go. Maybe just maybe the future will be bright. Where Anna can call my family her own. Where she can say she has two grandfathers and two aunts/uncles. Where I can go shopping or to the beach with my sister. Will that happen? Who knows? I do know that it won't if I don't keep truckin' with a positive outlook. It will never occur if I look back on would 'uv, could 'uv, should 'uvs. My grandfather always said you cannot ride the fence post. You have to be firmly planted on one side or the other. That is definitely true. I for one intend to plant myself on the positive side. Life is precious and too much time has already passed. I look forward to the time where situations are not awkward. When there is a history shared. I sincerely look forward to that. Now, if only I had step-by-step directions on how to get there!!!!