The Joy of Love Project

willette designs is hosting a one month long eclass entitled the joy of love. each day you are given a challenge to capture. join me as I (do my best) to take the daily challenge! take the challenge yourself at www.willettedesigns.com.


day 7...generations

litlBit and mommy...years apart but yet so similar!



day 6...what they love

anna loves two things...her dog and b bear. b bear has been with us since the day she was born. he goes to school...on vacation...to grandma's house...and to bed every night! haley girl is one of our dogs. she was part of the family before their was a family as I had her prior to getting married. she is an old girl that is dear to each of us. anna is very protective of her haley girl. other dogs may come and go but haley is her special girl!





day 5...love to hate

every day of litlBit's life we have watched her grow and develop. each day she has learned more and been able to accomplish more. this is a love/hate relationship for me. i love to see her independent...but absolutely hate knowing that she is! today, I caught her pouring her soy milk into a cup with lid. none was spilled...to the puppy's dismay!

Christmas Truths

Christmas...Truths of a Four Year Old...and General Musings

Christmas

Another year has come and gone. All of the anticipation, waiting, never-ending activities...all done! This was probably the best Christmas so far with LitlBit. She is a whopping four now

and was all about the holidays this go around! Santa became a tad more real for her this year. We had an elf come to our house after Thanksgiving. His name is Diego. My boss laughed at me...me the international studies person has a multi-cultural elf! The elf somehow became more important than Santa in some respects. I think it is all because Diego was...fun! He did funny things. We did not say he was mischievious though. Have a problem with saying the elf doing naughty things is ok. So, instead he was new to his elf magic and was also a new helper elf. So, he would sometimes get confused with his magic. Thus, that is why he decorated LitlBit's tree with her panties!

He really scored points when LitlBit's "movie maker" broke. Well, that thing is a must in morning/afternoon traffic! We would both go crazy! Santa had already "gotten" one on Black Friday ($45 an awesome deal!). So, when hers died on the way to school...we came home to ask the elf to talk to Santa to see if she could have another and if so if the elf could bring it early in one of his nightly Santa visits. The answer was...of course! Sanity prevailed! So, between funny things and trinkets/treasures the elf was a HUGE hit in this house! She cannot wait for him to come back next year!

All good things must come to an end though. Christmas is no different. The holiday is now officially in the past. The anticipation and the excitement of Christmas morning is now to be built up for next year. Over this Christmas I thought alot about my granddad. He died the week of Christmas in 2003. There could not have been a worse time for him to go. I was very close to Papa too. Not having a "dad" around meant that he was my version of dad. So, losing him hurt not only because a grandparent left...but more so because my dad had left. He was the one who was there for me. He was the one who taught me right from wrong and to always hold your head up high. Most importantly though he was there. So, that Christmas that he wasn't was hard...still is today. Add to today my lively family drama as well. The person who never was there I am attempting to make some sort of connection with. One Christmas I lose this Christmas I try to gain. Talk about confusing! Forgiveness is not exactly easy! I really wish Papa was still here to talk to about it all. He would give me the straight up non-adulterated words I so need to hear! I try and try and try to forgive. If only amnesia would strike me...it would be so much easier! How do you "get to know" a person you should have known from the moment you took your first breath? How do you connect to a person who has done you so very wrong? How do you forgive the absolute unforgivable? People keep telling me to forget the past...move on...deal...get to know him...my heavens I do believe I am trying. In all honesty I do feel as though I am being a big person about the whole thing. I would think that abandonment falls right up there as maybe the 11th commandment that God forgot about! I just have no clue where to go. We have talked on the phone. He called the other day explaining how he wanted to get together during the holidays but he had a death in the family. Understandable. Completely understandable. I guess I just hope for pixie dust to fall or something. Me magically to feel at ease and be able to finally say the word "dad" without cringing! Him to say this is my other daughter and granddaughter. Now, the latter I do believe he would. That is, if we are all together in a crowded room and there is not an option! Some days I wish that I could be as truthful and innocent in mind as LitlBit. At age four she is naive to the drama of the world. Her little innocent world is just that...innocent. She has her mommy and daddy (and of course dog and cat!). To her, all is right in the world. She has not a thought of dishonesty, betrayal, or a broken heart. She speaks the truth when asked without fear of the consequences (well...usually...unless the timeout chair is in question!). What she feels/thinks she speaks. If your breath stinks to high heaven she tells you! She does not fear the truth. I wish I were once again that naive girl. Forgiveness was easy then. It is much harder now. Problem is that I feel as though in all respects I am the only one who has any issues. He does not it appears. Doubtful if anyone else even has been told the truth yet. My half-sister does know...but primarily because I told her. So, in the end, I am running around the world trying to pick up the pieces to something that should never have been broken in the first place! I am trying trying trying to forgive, understand and develop a relationship with people in a situation that I do not understand. Am I going about it all the right way...the wrong way...add this...subtract that...I am just trying my best to make it all work. My mother-in-law always says that God gives you no more than you can handle. I suppose this is true. I apparently can handle it all...maybe not with grace at all junctures...but handle just the same. I have sad moments. But, I also have happy ones. Getting a phone call out of the blue from my father makes me happy. I must admit that. Even though there is an ugly past...getting that call makes me happy because I know for a fact he thought about me. That is something I wondered my whole life. I am going to keep on truckin' I suppose! Since there is not a guidebook on how to meet your long-lost family I am making it up as I go. Maybe just maybe the future will be bright. Where Anna can call my family her own. Where she can say she has two grandfathers and two aunts/uncles. Where I can go shopping or to the beach with my sister. Will that happen? Who knows? I do know that it won't if I don't keep truckin' with a positive outlook. It will never occur if I look back on would 'uv, could 'uv, should 'uvs. My grandfather always said you cannot ride the fence post. You have to be firmly planted on one side or the other. That is definitely true. I for one intend to plant myself on the positive side. Life is precious and too much time has already passed. I look forward to the time where situations are not awkward. When there is a history shared. I sincerely look forward to that. Now, if only I had step-by-step directions on how to get there!!!!

Fall and Family

October is here...and almost gone.  Amazing how quickly things come and go!  One says that they will take time to notice it...later.  After work...after cleaning...after dinner...always after something.  Then, before you know it the time has gone.  Fall to me is a lot like that.  I always say that I will take a moment and enjoy it.  Something usually comes up though.  Then, I look and the leaves are gone and the trees barren.  I struggle to even remember when the leaves fell much less when they changed colors.  Today I noticed that I was once again repeating that pattern.  I noticed that there were some trees in full color on my way to work.  I realized that if they are in full color today then soon they would be gone.  Then I turn into a panic (well much less than a panic...more like a tizzy!).  I love to take pictures of LitlBit.  I may not be able to freeze her in time literally but I can in pictures!  A picture of those special moments we share.  I love seeing her play in those beautiful fall leaves...the carefree happiness that she has.  Must find time to do this!  Must find time to take a moment and enjoy the time and enjoy my family.  I must stop doing it after something and just make it a priority instead before something.

Fall is certainly a time to reminisce about family.  The season is ripe for that.  Between the changes in season...the family gatherings...the special family memories made.  Yes, fall is definitely time for family.  It is funny though because as much as it is a time for family we push family behind everything else.  Shopping and parties are all put in front of family even though we may not know or realize it.  Having my little girl really brought the notion of family up to me.  Growing up, the idea of family was much different than it is now for me.  Growing up the idea of family was there...but not how I wanted it to be there.  My father was non-existent.  Well...that kind of puts one crimp in the notion of family!  Fall then was a time for wonder for me.  Not necessarily wonder at the magic of the season though.  More like wonder as to why it wasn't magical. I wondered lots where the rest of my family was...and why I wasn't there.  I saw friends that from the outside had lots of family and in turn special family times.  The fall seemed magical for them.  I saw how they came together and had traditions.  That was something we did not do nor did we have time to do if it were warranted.  I suppose that is why family means so very much to me now.  I want to do it different.  I want the fall to be filled with excitement and joy for LitlBit.  I want her to know her family...who she is...who they are.  I want her to have bonds with her family...her cousins...aunts...uncles...grandparents.  I want her to know personally what I saw from the outside looking in.

Today my life is quite different from those childhood days.  I have more of an impact on making these fall days special.  Hard as it may be I have tried.  I have tried to reach out to the family I never knew.  I am trying to establish some sort of bond however confusing and hard that may be.  The years have taught me that family is important.  My LitlBit has taught me that family is important.  No matter what...in the end...that is what it is all about.  Not knowing part of my family is not something that I asked for but it is something that I am actively trying to change. No matter what the end result is...I feel as though I have to attempt to make connections.  These fall days bring that up more and more.  Family and fall go hand in hand.  The last thing that I want is the time to pass and not to have tried.  So, without the help of an etiquette book, I am trying.  Slowly, tentatively, but certainly actively trying.  It is not always the easiest thing in the world to be the one taking an active role.  But, I feel as though it is the right thing.  I cannot stop trying because there is so much more to gain than there is to lose by taking the steps forward.  Friendships can be made...a family can grow.  One never knows what they may have lost by putting family after everything else.  However, I know by putting family before everything and taking the time to try I have the possibility of gaining much more than not.  I guess it is best that I have waited until now to attempt this challenge.  In my twenties life priorities were quite different.  Friends and fun were really the priorities I suppose.  Older now (not to be confused with wiser per se!) I realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed.  So, I have to take time now to notice that tree changing colors.